“I just have to sit there, you know, kind of straight-faced with a massive internal eye roll. I feel like throwing up when I hear it. No, I shouldn’t say that. No, actually, I do feel like throwing up. I wish I could say, ‘Oh listen, everybody! It’s the Celine Dion song!’ But I don’t. … Everytime I go into a bar where there’s a live pianist or into a restaurant … it’s thrilling for people to surprise me with the Celine Dion song. I did a talkshow in Italy recently where they had a live pianist who started gently playing the theme song, and I was severely urged to go and sing it as if I had in fact sung it myself…. ‘I’m not going to.’ It rather haunts me, the song.”

Oh, girl. This. Yes. See, I was on to this business when the movie first came out back in 97, when I was fourteen years old. I loved the movie but I was like, “God, Celine Dion, really? Like, Celine Dion as in Up Close Personal, quite possibly one of the worst f-cking movies of all time?” Call me trend-forward for my age back then – or just, you know, a smug and superior little bitch – but I knew that this song was going to come back and bite everyone involved with the production of the movie on the ass. Because it’s dumb.

If it makes you feel any better, Kate, this song was played at my Senior Prom as, like, one of the last songs of the night. I’m guessing it was to make the evening more memorable than it should have been (I don’t remember; I was pretty lit up the second half of the night), but the only thing I do remember is being in the bathroom as this song played, smoking … a cigarette.

Anyway. I guess what I really wanted to say is that we’re in the same boat, Kate. Ha. Get it? The same ‘boat’? Yeah. I know.